Glee, A Murderous Thriller
by christian-suoh
Summary: You look like you need to loosen up after all those sex-driven, drama-filled Gleefics. Check out this satirical thriller and laugh guiltily as Sue Sylvester kills the entire cast of Glee. New chapter every Sunday at 12 PM (Noon) Eastern Standard Time.
1. Chapter One: Sue Sylvester

Glee, A Murderous Thriller

Chapter One: Sue Sylvester

_Dear Diary,_

_ The name is still Sue Sylvester, but lately the writers of this God-forsaken show have been tainting my flawless identity. I used to feel alive, but the last few seasons have made me feel more like a wooden puppet used to play the PSA of the week's episode. And thus rather than having a consistent disposition, I seem to change my mind on my opinion of the Glee club and Fucking Will Shuester every week. (That said, I will say that this does feel like a good week for fornicating with Mr. Shue.) It simply depends on what role they want me to have in their PSA about drinking or texting-and-driving or transgender issues or whatever the hell else. I mean, remember season three when my sister died and then I was like, I'm done trying to stop your show choir, Will Shuester. Remember that? ME TOO. AND I GUESS WE FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT THAT, DIDN'T WE, RYAN MURPHY?! AS IN, LIKE, IT WAS NEVER EVEN MENTIONED?!_

_ It was when I reached that conclusion that I reached my next conclusion. I am going to kill the McKinley High School Glee Club. That's right, Diary. They've won the Regional Show Choir Competition, again, and didn't deserve it, again, and it has gotten unbearable. I must end them. And I won't end there. I am going to kill the graduated members, Emma, Mr. Shue, Beiste . . . every stupid character on this stupid low-rated television show. I am going to kill them precisely and cleanly and one at a time. Then even my murders will be more graceful than the screenplays for this apparent musical comedy. Yeah, I forgot that this show was supposed to be funny, too._

Sue Sylvester closed her diary and sighed, satisfied, without a hint of remorse in her breath. Her first victim was already in mind: of course it was going to be Mr. Shue.


	2. Chapter Two: Mr Schuester

Chapter Two: Mr. Shuester

It wasn't difficult to find him. Anyone who was unlucky even to attend or teach at this low-budget high school knew that if you wanted to find Mr. Shue, all you had to do was listen for his loud, obnoxious actor breathing. It was one of those things Matthew Morrison- I mean, Mr. Shuester- did as an actor that you didn't notice at first, but once you did notice it, you could never forget about it and it got super annoying. (Especially in the _Hairography _episode. Jesus Christ.)

So Sue followed these giant nostril noises and they took her to the choir room, as she suspected.

"For the next two weeks, we're doing the Bea-" Mr. Shuester said until he was interrupted by her slamming the piano player's face into the keys. All of the kids in the choir room panicked and covered their ears to protect themselves from the horrid dissonance, but at least they were showing authentic reactions to something in lieu of the horrible, awkward acting that the studio was experiencing before.

"I need to talk to your strawberry-haired teacher, so I'll need all of you to leave," said Sue. She couldn't remember if the show still had her character make shitty jokes about his ironically-youthful-hair-for-his-age, but to be honest, she didn't really give a fuck anymore. She didn't give _any _fucks anymore. She was going on a killing spree, for Christ's sake!

Sam objected first. "Sue, if you're going to interrupt our class/club/whenever the hell these scenes happen, at least let Mr. Shue finish telling us our Beastie Boys assignment! I call covering _No Sleep Til Brooklyn_."

"I was going to say _Beatles_, Sam," said Mr. Shue. "We would never cover a band as bad as the Beastie Boys, even on this show, even though the racist American public would probably like hearing white kids rapping songs from an all white cis male rapping group! But especially not for two weeks, they're too poor quality, no one would buy that shit on iTunes. Then again, people did buy that God-awful mash-up of Hungry Like The Wolf and Rio. . . . Now, I want all of you to go to the auditorium to work out an extensive group number complete with balloons, random dancing extras, and alternating cuts to Rachel, Kurt, and Naya Rivera I mean Santana in New York City. That only ever takes about fifteen minutes, right? Let's get to it!"

Reluctantly, the room dissipated, and only Sue Sylvester and Will Shuester were left in the room. For some reason, the vacancy meant Mr. Shue feel unsafe, and he was unsettled by the fact that he didn't know why.

Sue had already killed the piano player when she rammed his skull into the piano keys, but no one had noticed. Either that or people were so apathetic about him that they didn't give it another thought. Probably the latter, considering the blood spilling onto the hollow wood of the choir room floor and the spiders following the bloody trail to crawl into his brain. Now it was Will's turn.

"What did you want to talk about, Sue?" he asked, annoyingly respectful as usual, but also annoyingly annoyed, as usual.

"I'm conflicted, Will. I am," she said, but Fergie entered the room and killed Will. before Sue could decide how she felt about him. She yelled something about ruining her career in the process and cleanly hid the body under a pile of Unique's dresses before bidding Will and Sue farewell. Finally, Sue turned to Will Shuester.

"I'm conflicted, Will. I am," she admitted, partly lying, but at the same time, not. "Because I feel our characters have a lot of unresolved sexual tension that never gets discussed in the show. In fact, it's hardly mentioned, excluding that vomit-inducing _Funk _episode. And yet as much as I want to fuck you, I also want to kill you and remove your revolting existence from the presence of any poor human soul to ever interact with you. I understand the pain of those people."

Unconsciously arrogant as Will was, he assumed that the stuff about killing him was the usual Sue stuff, all words but no seriousness. He thought it was a sort of joke to get him turned on enough to have sex with him.

"Sure, let's do the deed here," he said with a weird fatherly smile that really creeped Sue out. Almost slipping on the piano player's blood, he cleared all of the Adele-cover sheet music off the top of the piano with a single swipe of his hand, and padded the cold black on top smoothly. Then he grabbed Sue with a sexy sex touch and sex pulled her underneath him and they were both on top of the sex piano together in the sexy sex position. Will Shuester felt sexual and Sue did not at all anymore, but that did not register for Will.

He started to do more sex things to sex her but Sue stopped him abruptly with a nonsex hand and he sexstopped.

"Yeah?" he said absent-mindedly.

"I'm confused. I didn't think you would actually consent to this," said Sue, still incredibly taken-aback. He had almost thrown her murder game off. She had a reason to be concerned. "I thought you and Emma were in love. Well. I thought you were, anyway. It seemed for a little while last season that was a bit questionable from Emma. But either way, _you _were in love with, Emma, right? You got married to her in the backstage area of an Ohio High School Show Choir Competition! I can't imagine it getting more romantic than that. So how could you betray her like this?"

Will Shuester was overwhelmed by all this _thinking _that Sue was having him do. "Well, to begin with, don't act so surprised that I'm haphazardly and dangerously hooking up with someone on the show. You remember when I hooked up with the director of Vocal Adrenaline, right? And she later turned out to be Rachel's mom? Didn't that fuck you up? That fucked me up. Especially when you think about the episode where Rachel and I sang _Endless Love_ by Mariah Carey and Luther Vandross, and it makes you think about the fact that I've had some sort of semi-sexual contact with a girl and her mom, mostly for the purpose of pointless drama to increase ratings on this sinking primetime timeslot. Same thing with my kiss and short-lived uncomfortable romance with Coach Beiste." He stopped because he forgot what they were talking about. "Oh right, but as I was saying, don't act all surprised that I'm randomly hooking up with you. You were right about us having unresolved sexual tension during the entire sad history of this show, and besides, I've realized lately that I don't actually love Emma."

"But the marriage!" Sue objected. She remembered when this ship was sort of the core of this show, the very Bible of it; when they kissed in the midseason finale of the first season, she cried, too. "She ran out on the wedding and then you got back together when she magically got herself back together and stable. And the second wedding."

"I don't know who I love anymore. I've been listening to Robin Thicke's new album since it came out, and it made me reflect on what I really want and who I really am. And then it hit me: I only loved Emma because I saw her as weak. She had OCD, and I needed to protect her, I was her daddy."

The daddy metaphor made Sue really uncomfortable, but she didn't interrupt him.

"It was the patronizing of a feeble woman that I liked, not the actual whiney, indecisive woman herself. You know who I really, love, Sue? Strong, vaguely insane female characters played by famous lesbians on poorly-produced musical-drama-sitcoms."

Sue was _officially _creeped out this time, particularly considering that he was still on top of her on a piano in a sexual position, even though through the bizarre luck of the school environment no one saw them naked through the door window in the middle of the school day.

She firmly pushed Will away from her body and leaned off the piano to pick up her clothes, beginning to put them back on. Nothing violent yet. Will didn't follow her example at first, but was surely not as disappointed as she expected.

As she was changing and he was just standing there naked, Sue Sylvester noticed something really strange and, again, uncomfortable as Will always made her feel.

"Will. . . . Is that a happy face emoticon shaved into your pubes?" She was everything but speechless.

He looked down and laughed, finally pulling on pants himself. "It's a weird story. Once a student reported to the guidance counselor that I would randomly start yelling at my students in a really out-of-character kind of way and it would frighten everyone. So the guidance counselor gave me a pamphlet: So You're Yelling At Students In A Really Out-Of-Character Way? And it told me to shave my pubes in the shape of a happy face, so that when I felt my temper rising, I could stop everything, put my hand in my pants, feel the happy face, and laugh. It's worked really well since I've started doing it. In fact, usually a student will end up doing whatever I want them to do after I stick my hand down my pants in front of them, so it works out for everyone."

Sue remembered that "the guidance counselor" was Emma too, and that answered a few questions, like why would she stay with a patronizing fidiot like Will Shuester. The answer was because he was a fucking idiot who was easily manipulated, apparently. She gripped the handgun in her back pocket.

"Do you want to feel the sm- OH LORD!" screamed Will when he saw Sue's gun. He slipped on the blood of the piano player this time, and fell onto the floor with his cadaver, hugging the limp body for comfort. He had no words.

"It honestly _isn't _a personal thing, Mr. Shuester," said Sue. She was metal as fuuuuuuck. "Although I wish it were, 'cause you're fr*ggin' annoying. You're only the first of the rest of them that I'm sending to damnation, but also sort of to salvation, an escape from this terrible music-covering madness. We're all hell-bound, we know it."

Mr. Shue winced, but Sue was never aiming for his head with the gun. When he opened his eyes he realized what was really going on.

She never even pulled the trigger. She was hacking the prop closet of the choir room with the sturdy metal of the gun, until the lock finally broke open and loads of shit fell out. Disgusted, Sue stepped over the feces now all over the choir room floor and moved onto the next prop closet. This time, when she hacked it open with the gun, it burst open to reveal tons of costumes from the last couple seasons.

It took some searching, but Sue did find what she was searching for: the extremely offensive sombrero from the Hispanic music episode, where he performed that unnamed song as a solo performance and then Naya Rivera Santana Lopez made him look like even more of a dumbass by performing a kickass duet with Ricky Martin.

"This sombrero has unique magical properties, Mr. Shuester," said Sue.

He looked horrified. "So it's like the Sorting Hat, but . . . a Mexican Sorting Hat?" His ignorance new no limit. "The Sorting Sombrero?"

"No, Will. It's cursed." She placed it gently onto his head and he shuddered. "When I say the command _Brujería,_ it's going to engulf your body like that fucking mindfuck episode of _Fringe _with the hexed two-dollar bills (yeah? yeah? if you understand this reference you've earned my kisses), causing you to suffocate painfully and pathetically. The only way to make it stop is by saying the Spanish word for _cat._ If you can't do that, you will die."

He panicked before Sue even said any words. Shuester nearly lost his mind when she opened her mouth to say the word, and when _brujería_ was in the air, he completely lost it.

He screamed and pulled the sombrero over his head, the shrieking making him lose his breath, yelling and cursing, "WHAT IS THE WORD FOR CAT IN SPANISH FUCK I DON'T REMEMBER WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SUCH A HARD ONE FUCK FUCK FUCK" until he fainted, suffocated under the fine fabric, and died.

Sue was very pleased with herself, even though she'd been certain that her speculation was correct. There was obnoxiously nothing actually magical and/or cursed about the hat, but she knew the suggestion would make him freak the fuck out and kill himself in the process. Sue Sylvester lifted the gross weird-pubed dead body, sombrero-and-all, opened the piano, and threw him in there with most of him hanging out.

It didn't matter. Even if she was caught, this show was finally getting good. And hell, maybe Sue was finally bringing in some older viewers. "Old Sue is back! 333" they would yell into their computer screams. If she were caught doing this murderous deed at the consequence of bringing some old traditions back into the set, she felt it was worth it.

And Sue remembered the outburst in the choir room earlier, and she knew her new victim would be Beastie Boys fan Sam Evans.


End file.
